In my life, feeling as if I am a burden to people is something I am quite used to. This feeling is probably one the worst emotions that I have to deal with on and off in my life. To describe it in detail basically I feel like I am annoying and that no one really cares about me. As if I am just there. But I don't really mean anything. Feeling like this truly sucks and as much as I try, it doesn't really go away. I try to suppress these thoughts and tell myself that people truly value me but for some reason I just can't stop feeling like I am irritating and just bothersome. I am the kind of friend who usually initiates hanging out and planning things, which I don't mind, but it does make me feel like I am constantly available. Not available in the sense that I don't have plans but just that I am always there. I don't really know how to describe it, but I am feeling this way now so I thought I would just write down my thoughts. I don't even know if I will end up posting this but its just this feeling that I can't shake. Its like people choose me last. I am aware that this isn't true and I have incredible friends but... i don't even know what to say or how to say it, this is really hard for me. I also get jealous easily, it sucks to admit it but I do. I don't want to be but when my friends chose other people before me I just cant help but feel sad. I don't invite myself in on other peoples plans or try to like slyly get myself invited, I just accept it. I have been trying really hard to work on not feeling this way, and it has been getting better. Obviously I in no way expect to be invited to everything, I am fully aware that that will not happen. But feeling like you are not wanted just sucks, it really does. Its kinda hard because I am the friend that is usually thinking about other people and thinking of ways to make them happier and feel good. For example, like bringing them coffee on their birthday or thinking real hard about the perfect christmas present for them that they would love. But I don't receive the same back because not everyone does that, I realize that now, but at first I just assumed everyone was like that.
I don't always feel this way, it comes and it goes, but writing about it is very therapeutic and just putting it all out there makes me feel better.