All I want to do is create. If you're an artist you know that inspiration, at least for me, comes in bursts. When it does come, you have to act on it. Or else it will genuinely eat you alive. It's such an amazing feeling, except when you can’t act on it. I'm in school right now, unable to create. All I want to do is be at home with my camera shooting. I hate this. My brain won’t stop coming up with ideas. I can’t focus. I’m supposed to be learning about psych but im sitting on my computer looking at photographers work and their writing about their work. Sometimes I think this is a positive attribute, but in times like this it just makes me feel like I have the worst ADD in the world.
it has been a while
to be completely honest I think that blogs have died. everyone wants such instant entertainment that no one takes the time to read a blog, it's not stimulating enough. i disagree. blogs relax me, i enjoy looking into others lives. except i somewhat despise fashion blogs or anything that has to do with materialistic things. it's not that i don't respect what they do, it just doesn't appeal to me.
sure i can be materialistic about cameras but that's really it.
things have been getting sad. i realized when i was in the car with pearl the other day that this october was my last birthday at home. next year i will be with completely new people, hopefully far from home. i say hopefully because i want a change. i need some discomfort, i am way too comfortable right now. i get coffee at the same place every day, i see the same people, i struggle with the same procrastination. i try my best to keep busy because when i am bored i am not a happy camper.
staying busy is hard sometimes. i am in need of new stimulation.
midterms are next week and after that, i will be a second-semester senior. things should get a little more relaxing, maybe my anxiety about school will subside. who knows really. but my goals for the second semester are really to focus on my art and my friends. i try to have a small number of broad goals so i can get my priorities straight. friends and art sound good. i will blog more; it really helps me express my feelings. i will vlog more, and try to stay true to the content that makes me happy. i also want to cherish my friends. as much as i dwell about sometimes not feeling as if i have found "my people" - i need to stop. i have amazing friends, and it is all about realizing who you connect with and not feeling pressure to be friends with people just because it's convenient.
i also need to stop focusing on boys. i get so caught up with being defined by what guys think of me. so frickin stupid. i am lucky though because i am very confident.
so that's my little update. i am going to start working a lot more. i have some shoots lined up soon and i am trying to really build up my brand. get more traction in my town and respect as a photographer/creator. i am sick of being used by older clients who think that since i am 17 they can boss me around.
2018 is the year of "i don't care" - sounds weird but basically, i am just going to stop beating myself up for not being good enough or not liking my own art or not having good enough grades. i am capable. i am talented. let's have some fun
here's to the summer of art, happiness, passion, and love.
tomorrow I have 2 finals and after that, I will be done with junior year. honestly, don't know how i did it. have to give a lot of credit to coffee and my parents for letting me skip school to catch up on school... lol.
anyways... my goal for the summer is to just film a lot of youtube videos, take a lot of pictures, blog, read, travel, and also get my college supplements done... yay!
I made my summer playlist and if you ask me, it's pretty dope. I called it hampton drives because it's the type of summer music that makes you feel good and want to just drive around. also the type of music to put in my videos when i'm at the beach and stuff, just laughing with my friends.
separate note- I love the platform I have built here. I made this website all by myself and have created something I am very proud of. that is also why I want to post on this more; it really makes me happy.
here's my playlist!!!
I also have another playlist with more rap music:
I don't know why I am the most creative at night, but it seems to be a trend. I feel as if my inspiration is also tied to my workload. when I have lots to do, my mind finds the need to wander. usually, I enjoy this time because I am able to come up with my best ideas. however, on a night like tonight where I need to read 60 pages and take a quiz on it tomorrow, I would like to be able to focus.
today was a good day, I worked, which was fun.
I am a junior so school is grilling me pretty hard right now.
I haven't had my camera in a month because my sister broke it, and honestly, it has allowed me to do some reevaluating.
- I have learned that I thrive off having my camera be my creative outlet and when I don't have it, I become upset.
- My camera is my most precious possession
- I would not be able to live without photography
I swear, my mind is always turning my surroundings into pictures. I will be driving and see a bird on the telephone poll and feel this surge of energy that forces me to stop and take a picture.
music is genuinely the only thing getting me through ACTs, SATs, National Honor Society apps, AP tests, homework in general, and just stress. but its all g bc music.
this playlist has a whole variety of all the music I have been listening to.
I am OBSESSED with The Strokes, and just nice summer rock vibes
But yea this has everything you might need. some crying songs. rap. alternative. rock. indie. ALL THE GOODS
one of the best feelings in the world is the sense of euphoria you get when you're feeling inspired. for me it usually occurs at night, that is why I am writing this now at 10:50 pm. the thing that is bothering me is that I don't have the right word to describe this feeling, and I haven't had the time to fully analyze it. all I know is that I want to feel like this all the time. I have been listening to podcasts on The Messy Heads and writing down notes in my moleskin while babysitting. honestly, it doesn't get much better than this. I feel fulfilled. it's times like these where I know what I want to do with my life. I don't care that I'm not out at a party, I am happy being alone with my thoughts. I am not self-doubting I am SELF EMBRACING. the first podcast I listened to was episode five about numbing your emotions and I LOVED it. 10/10 would recommend. now I'm onto episode one about perfectionism, one of my favorite topics! the first day I saw my therapist she told me I needed to get the book The Gifts of Imperfection. you can guess how that went down. well, I ended up reading it and loving it. anyways back on track, so I'm listening to this podcast and it's really making me want to start one of my own. she talks about how much time we spend on our outside appearance, and if you really think about it, it's mindblowing. so I don't want to go on too much about what she said because I want everyone to listen to all of them, but I wanted to come on here. its been a while, I've been busy, no excuse. making youtube videos is kinda my thing now, and I'm having a blast, to say the least.
I want the people who hate on me to know that I feel for them. I hope that one day they can feel as confident as I do, to do their own thing, and not have to tear other people down. that's what I have been dealing with recently (haters). it does suck though when you hear people talking shit about you, really just not a fun feeling. but it's good because it's forcing me to grow a thick skin. I hope I can come on here more frequently to rant because it really does make me feel better.
please listen to these podcasts they are incredible